The World Beyond

A question of personal documents

Two Jews arrive in Moscow but only one has the necessary travel documents. While chatting, one of them spots a policeman. They both realise that there will be trouble if he demands to check their papers. The Jew without them comes up with an idea: "Omi, you start running while I go about my business peacefully. Once the policeman sees you running, he will obviously chase after you. You need not worry of course since your documents are in order." Omi thinks this an excellent idea and begins to run. The policeman has by now become suspicious and catches up with him: "Let me see your travel papers." He hands them over confidently. "If the papers are in order, why did you run away? I suppose you have done something wrong?" "Not at all." "So why did you start to run?" "Ah, that? My doctor has advised me to drink soda water and then jog for half an hour every day." Says the policeman, "But why did you not stop?" "Well, I wondered if your doctor has also advised you to drink soda water and then jog for half an hour."

A faithful soldier

The Czar, wanting to check whether his soldiers have served him faithfully, arranges for a group to be presented to him. He looks them over, detects their patriotism, but wants to be doubly sure. He approaches one soldier: "Listen carefully. If I ordered you to shoot me, would you go ahead?" Without a moment's hesitation, the soldier replies, "Of course I would. I would do whatever you commanded me to do." The Czar poses the same question to several soldiers, who all respond in the same way. Eventually, he comes across a Jewish soldier: "And what about you? Would you shoot me if I ordered you to do so?" "Impossible," is his immediate response. The Czar is not at all amused. "Why not? If I ordered it, you surely must." Replies the Jew, "OK, but with what? After all, I am the drummer in my platoon…"

Confused identity

Shmuel Rosenbloom decides to leave his Lithuanian village and seek his fortune in America. While crossing the Atlantic, a fellow Jewish passenger, who has anticipated the immigration process, advises him on how to deal with the officials: "They'll ask you for your full name. Since you only speak Yiddish, make it simple for them and yourself. Instead of telling them your name is Shmuel Rosenbloom, which they will never be able to spell correctly, simply cut it down to Sam Rose." Shmuel thinks this is excellent advice, feels confident about the forthcoming encounter, and enjoys the rest of the voyage. On arrival, as predicted, he is asked for his full name. Having perhaps enjoyed himself too much on board, he is lost in confusion: "Oy, shoin fargessen" — whereupon the official turns to his colleague, "This must be the twentieth Irishman I've processed this morning."

A thief's troubles

A man discovers his house has been robbed. He calls the police who inspect the scene of the crime and, much to their surprise, find that nothing much has been stolen; even clearly valuable objects have not been touched. A couple of days later, the police apprehend the thief who happens to be Jewish. They bring him before a judge: "Now what's your story? Why did you ignore the valuable objects and only steal a few useless items?" "Your honour, please have pity on me. I couldn't be more distressed. My wife hasn't stopped yelling at me how stupid a thief I am."

A fair price

Mr Blumstein enters a clothing store to buy a coat. He sees one he likes, which fits him superbly. He informs the salesman thus: "I must tell you that I hate bargaining. My Jewish nature is to give so much and not a ruble more. So, what is your lowest price?" "You don't have to tell me this because in our business we charge fair prices." "Well, what does the coat cost?" "How shall I say? I won't say 30 rubles, not 25 and not 20 but less than 18 I won't take." Mr Blumstein responds, "And I will not tell you 8 rubles or 10 or 12, but more than 14 I won't give." The salesman immediately instructs his assistant, "Pack up the coat for the gentleman."

A degree of confidence

Israel's Prime Minister laments to his cabinet, "The economy is terrible, the religious and the secular Jews argue without end, the water shortage is critical, we are surrounded by enemies…" "Declare war," advises a Minister. "War? On whom?" "The United States of course." "Ridiculous. Israel against the United States? The war wouldn't last more than ten minutes." "That's right. We will surrender. And America will have pity on us and immediately provide massive assistance." The Prime Minister retorts, "They certainly would but, wait a moment, what if we won?"

It's a guarantee

"Rabbi Rachman?" "Yes, speaking." "This is Peter Jones from the Tax Office. I am calling about Jacob Goldberg; is he a member of your congregation?" "He is indeed. How can I help?" "He has claimed a 20,000-dollar deduction on last year's tax return, and states that he contributed, in cash, to the synagogue's library fund. Did he?" "If you call back tomorrow, the answer, I guarantee, will be positive."

A patriot

A Jewish soldier in the Czar's army runs away from the front but the Military Police eventually catch up with him. They take him directly to the commanding officer who, looking at the soldier, says, "What's the big idea? You, a strong, young man running away from the front? Are you not ashamed? Didn't you give an oath that you would serve the Czar faithfully? How can you break such a vow?" Replies the Jew, "Sir, I am truly a faithful soldier and that is why I ran away. I hate the enemy so much that I can't even look him in the eye."

It's logical and you don't have to be a doctor

"Is there a doctor in the theatre?" an actor pleads, after a fellow actor has collapsed in mid-sentence. "Give him an enema!" shouts out an elderly Jewish lady in the audience. A doctor who has rushed on to the stage looks up, "The man is dead! How can an enema help?" "Well, it wouldn't hurt, would it?" she replies.

Business is business

A new group of children start attending school. The teacher decides to warm up the group by asking them, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?" A girl raises her hand, "Albert Einstein because he was so clever." "Well... a good answer, but not the one I'm looking for." Another student raises his hand, "I think Napoleon because he was a great general." "Well, another good answer, but still not the one I have in my mind." Then Shlomo, a Jewish student, raises his hand and offers, "Jesus Christ — he was the greatest man who ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment, "That IS the right answer." She brings him up to the front of the class and rewards him with a chocolate bar. During recess, a Jewish friend approaches Shlomo, "Why did you choose Jesus Christ?" "I know it's Moses," he replies, "and you know it's Moses, but business is business."

Happy Pesach

A Jew takes his Pesach lunch to eat in the park. In a little while, a blind man comes by and sits beside him. Feeling neighbourly, the Jew offers him a piece of matza. The blind man runs his fingers over the matza for a minute, looks puzzled, and finally exclaims, "Who wrote this gibberish?"

Jewish advice

Once upon a time there lived a King who had a Jewish advisor. The King relied so much on his wisdom that he promoted him to principal advisor. The other advisors objected vehemently. After all, it was bad enough to sit in council with a Jew but to allow one to "Lord it over them" was too much to bear. Being a compassionate ruler, the King sympathized with their grievance and ordered the Jew to convert. What could he do? One had to obey the King. As soon as the act was done, the Jew felt great remorse. As days became weeks, the remorse turned to despondency; as months passed, grief took its toll on his health. He became weaker and weaker. Finally, he could stand it no longer. His mind was made up. He burst in on the King and cried, "I was born a Jew and as a Jew I must die. Do what you want with me, but I can no longer deny my faith." The King was astonished. He had no idea that the Jew felt so strongly about his faith. "Well, if that is how you feel," he said, "then the other advisors will just have to learn to live with it. Your counsel is too important to do without. Go and be a Jew again." The Jew feels utterly elated. He hurries home to announce the good news to his family. He feels strength surge back into his body. Finally, he bursts into the house and calls out, "Rivka, Rivka, marvellous news, we can be Jews again!" His wife glares at him, "Couldn't you have waited until AFTER Pesach and spare me days of exhausting work preparing the seder?"

Let's be reasonable

A platoon in the Russian army runs out of ammunition. The Corporal yells out an order, "Fix bayonets. We are going to have to engage in hand-to-hand combat." A Jewish soldier comments tentatively, "Excuse me, Corporal. Can you point out my man? Perhaps he and I can come to an agreement."

The Jewish samurai

The Emperor of the Rising Sun sought a new head samurai. After a careful search, three people were short-listed: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. "Each of you must demonstrate your skills," the Emperor orders. The Japanese samurai steps forward, opens a tiny box, and releases a fly. He draws his sword and swish! The fly falls to the floor, neatly divided in two. "What a feat!" the Emperor declares. "Now, No. 2 samurai, show me what you can do." The Chinese Samurai steps forward, opens a tiny box, releases a fly and swish; it falls to the floor, in quarters. "What skill! No. 3 samurai how are you going to top that?" Obi Wan Cohen opens a tiny box, releases a fly, draws his sword, and flourishes it so mightily that a gust of wind passes through the room. But the fly is still buzzing around. "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead!" The Jewish samurai replies confidently, "Dead is easy. But a bris (a circumcision) — now that takes expertise!"

Never take a front-row seat at a bris. (anon)

Processing club membership

Sam is most distressed that the Excelsior Tennis Club won't accept his application for membership. "I don't understand it," he says to a friend, "I told them my name is Samuel Moskovitz and that I want to join the Club." "Sam, surely you know they don't accept Jews." Sam sets his mind on becoming a member. After taking speech lessons for weeks, he puts on a brand-new suit with a rose in the lapel. The receptionist asks, "May I help you sir?" "Yes," Sam replies in a clipped Oxford accent, "I am here to inquire about membership of your esteemed establishment." "Your name please?" "Spencer Morgan." "Your address?" Sam mentions the fancy suburb of Castle Cove. "What is your annual income?" "My wealth is something I never discuss with strangers, but I don't mind telling you that I own three skyscrapers in the Central Business District and four factories." "Just one more question before we finalise your membership — your religious affiliation?" Sam's chest swells with pride, "Isn't it obvious? I'm a goy."

A special order

Abe, a Jewish cloth merchant, has the misfortune to live next door to the biggest anti-Semite in Warsaw. One day he calls up Abe and shouts, "Hey Jew!!! ... I want a piece of orange cloth. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow." Abe groans, "OK, OK." The next morning the customer is aroused at the crack of dawn by the roar of trucks. He dashes outside to see at least a dozen of them dumping load after load of orange cloth in his front yard. Abe then presents him with a bill for $12,000. "I asked for a piece of cloth from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis. What do you mean by all this?" Abe replies, "The tip of my penis is in Krakow."

That's socking it to him.

Hotel hospitality

Mr and Mrs Goldstein enter a very fancy hotel noted (or rather notorious) for its prejudice. "My name is Mrs Goldstein, and I'd like a room for my husband and myself." "I'm awfully sorry," he replies, "but all our rooms are booked out." Just then, a man comes to the reception desk to check out. "What luck," said Mrs Goldstein. "A vacancy!" "Madam, I'm sorry, but the hotel is nevertheless fully booked." "I suppose you think I'm Jewish? Who's Jewish? In fact, I happen to be Catholic." "I find that hard to believe." "Okay then, go ahead and test me." "Who was the Son of God?" "Jesus." "Where was he born?" "In a stable." "And why in a stable?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!"

A hospital conversation

"City Hospital? I'd like to talk with someone who can tell me how a particular patient is doing. I want the details from A to Z." "Hold the line please; this is an unusual request." An authoritative voice comes on, "I gather you're calling about one of our patients?" "Yes. I'd like to know about Sadie Teitelbaum in room 432." "Teitelbaum… Teitelbaum… Let me see… Room 432… Oh yes, she's doing well. In fact, her doctor says that if she continues to improve, she will be going home on Tuesday." "Thank God! That's wonderful! Home on Tuesday! I'm so happy to hear it!" "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a member of her family or a friend." "What family, what friend? I AM Sadie Teitelbaum!! My doctor tells me nothing."

Differing perspectives

A Frenchman, a German and a Jew are lost in the desert. The Frenchman says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. If only I could sip a vintage wine." The German says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. What would I give for an ice-cold beer." The Jew says, "I'm tired. I'm thirsty. It's obvious I must have developed diabetes."

Cohen's comeback

An American Navy cruiser docks for a week's shore leave. The Captain is surprised to receive a letter from a wealthy socialite. "Dear Captain, my daughter's coming of age party will be on Thursday. I would like you to invite four of your most handsome, unmarried officers to participate in the celebrations. One little point, no Jews please, although I have nothing against them personally." Sure enough, on the Thursday evening the lady hears a knock at the door and finds four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers in resplendent uniform. Her lower jaw hits the floor, but pulling herself together she stammers, "There must be some mistake." "Madam," responds the first officer, "Captain Cohen never makes a mistake."

Aeronautical complications

Captain Rosenberg is Jewish, his co-pilot Chee Ng, Chinese. It's the first time they are flying together and, judging by the stony silence, they aren't getting along. Midway through the flight the Captain mutters, "I must be honest; I don't care for the Chinese." "No like Chinese? But why?" "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why." "No, no… Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbor. JAPANESE drop bomb." "Chinese, Japanese, Korean… it doesn't matter. They're all the same." Hours of silence pass. Finally, the co-pilot confronts Captain Rosenberg, "No like Jews." "For goodness sake, why not?" "Jews sink Titanic ship." "That's ridiculous. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg… no matter… all same."

A question of language

In a London courtroom, the clerk announces the next witness: "Shloime Itzik Kopelovitz." Upon hearing the name, the judge looks up, winks at the clerk, and orders, "Bring in the Yiddish interpreter." He enters the courtroom and as the witness steps forward the judge articulates slowly and clearly, "Fortunately, we have a Yiddish interpreter for you." Mr Kopelovitz smiles, "Your honour, I doubt that we will need his services. I received my doctorate in Shakespearian studies at Oxford University and I am perfectly capable of expressing myself in English." The interpreter turns to the judge: "Er zogt…"

A Jewish view of flashing

An elderly Jewish lady is leaving the garment district to go home from work. Suddenly, a man who has been walking towards her blocks her path, opens his raincoat, and "flashes" her. Unruffled, she looks and remarks, "You call THIS a lining?"

Defining anti-Semitism — hating Jews more than is necessary. (anon)

Black AND reads Yiddish

A Jew is alone in a train compartment. A Black gentleman enters, sits opposite him, takes out a Yiddish newspaper, and begins to read. After a few minutes, the Jew, unable to contain himself, asks him incredulously, "Being a Black isn't enough for you?"

A timely request

Three soldiers, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, are captured by the enemy and face imminent execution. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian requests an osso buco with zucchini, and a bottle of Chianti. The Frenchman wants a rare filet mignon with delicately fried mushrooms, and a vintage Cabernet Sauvignon. The Jew asks for a bowl of fresh strawberries. His captors are puzzled: "What, just strawberries?" "Yes, just strawberries." "But they're out of season!" "I can wait."

A matter of civility

An elderly Jew crosses a street in Berlin in 1936 when he accidentally bumps into a storm trooper. "Schweinehund," snarls the Nazi. "Goldberg," replies the Jew, "what a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

An order is an order

Mr Goodman is a Jewish guest in the swanky Paradise Hotel. He picks up the phone and asks for room service. "May I take your order, sir?" says a congenial voice. "Yes," snaps Mr Goodman. "I want two fried eggs that are hard as a rock, burnt toast that is as black as coal and coffee that tastes like mud." "I'm sorry sir," says room service. "We don't serve a breakfast of that inferior quality." "You don't? You certainly did yesterday!"

Calls and costs

While visiting the Pope, the President of Israel notices a red telephone on his desk. "What is the red phone for, Your Holiness?" "Well," he replies pointing to heaven, "I have a direct line to you-know-who." "Brilliant. May I make a call?" "Certainly, but it will cost you 10,000 lira." A year later the Pope visits Israel and is in the President's office. He spots a green phone and asks inquiringly, "What is the purpose of your phone?" "Well," replies the President, "it is a direct line to you-know-who." "Marvellous," cries out the Pope, "may I make a call? I will of course reimburse you." "Please go ahead," answers the President, "and don't worry about the cost. It's a local call."

A way of just knowing

The President is chatting to his director of national security, "How come the Jews seem to know everything before we do?" The director responds, "The Jews have an expression — Vos tutzech? They just ask one another and get to know everything." The President decides to check if this is true. He dresses up as an Orthodox Jew, flies secretly to New York, is picked up in an unmarked car, and is dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighbourhood. Soon an old Jew comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vos tutzech?" The Jew whispers, "They say the President is in town."

Exciting news

A frail, elderly Jew, scurries about the town square, obviously excited as can be. He spots that the cathedral is open and rushes in. Just then a priest enters a strange-looking wooden cubicle with two entrances. The Jew jumps in there and blurts out through the partition, "I've just had sex with a beautiful young woman. It was heavenly!" The priest is non-plussed, "If I'm not mistaken, you're of the Jewish faith and I'm a Christian priest. So, why are you telling me?" "Why not? I'm telling everyone."

A lunar tragedy

The shuttle returns safely to earth but, tragically, the three astronauts — a Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jew — have contracted a lethal virus in outer space. The authorities are profoundly apologetic but can do nothing other than to offer the astronauts a final wish. The Frenchman requests an elegant dinner with a vintage dry white. The Englishman would die happy, he announces, if he had an audience with the King and Queen. The Jew asks for a second opinion.

The great religious debate

The Pope decides to expel all the Jews from Rome. An uproar ensues in the Jewish community. In a conciliatory move, the Pope offers them a deal. He will have a religious debate with one of the members. If the Jew wins, they can stay. If the Pope wins, they will face expulsion. They realise they have no choice. So, they select Gershon, their brightest scholar, to represent them. He requests one condition — neither side will be permitted to talk. The Pope agrees. On the day of the great debate, Gershon and the Pope sit opposite each other for a full minute. Then, the holy father raises his hand and shows three fingers. Gershon shows one finger in return. The Pope waves his fingers in a circle around his head. Gershon points to the ground. The Pope draws his opponent's attention to a wafer and a glass of wine. Gershon in response pulls out an apple from his coat. The Pope is stunned. "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the incredulous cardinals ask the Pope what happened. "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. The Jew responded by holding up one finger to show that there is only one God. Then I waved all my fingers to show that God is all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God is right there between us. I pointed out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, on the opposite bank of the Tiber, the Jewish community are crowding around Gershon, "Nu, what happened?" "Well, first, he said we had three days to leave Rome. I told him that not one of us was budging. Then he shouted that the whole city would be forcibly cleared of Jews. I let him know in no uncertain terms that we were staying put." "Yes, yes … and then?" asked the community excitedly. "I don't know exactly. He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

Priestly aid

An old Jew is knocked down by a car in front of a church. He lies gravely injured. A priest dashes out of the church and whispers, "Before I offer a prayer for your recovery, a question — do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?" The Jew blinks, "Oy vey, I'm dying, and he asks me riddles."

How to be a cooperative victim

Two Jews face the Czar's firing squad. A soldier struggles to blindfold one of them. "I absolutely refuse to be blindfolded," he declares. His fellow victim sighs, "Yosef, at a time like this, please don't make trouble!"

Religious preferences

A Rabbi finds himself in a train compartment with a Catholic priest. After a while the priest asks, "Rabbi, is it true that people of your faith cannot eat pork?" "Yes, Father." "Tell me, confidentially, have you ever tasted pork?" "I did once bite into a pork chop." "And did you like it?" "I must admit that I did." A little later, the Rabbi asks, "Is it true that Catholic priests are not allowed to have sexual intercourse?" "Yes Rabbi, it's totally forbidden." "And tell me, confidentially, have you ever …" "No, God forbid!" "What a pity," the Rabbi responds, "It's much better than pork!"