Jewish Family Life

A night at the opera

A performance of La Traviata was reaching a dramatic climax when Sadie Green called out from the dress circle: "Is there a doctor in the theatre?" The singers froze, the orchestra stopped playing, and the house lights went on. A man in the third row stood up with a worried frown. A stroke, a heart attack, or worse, he murmured to himself. "I'm a doctor." "Ah, in that case, would you like to meet a lovely Jewish girl?"

Worrying to the end

David had been seriously ill for several months but was now clearly close to the end. Gasping for breath, he sighed. "Are you here my dear wife?" "Of course I am David," she replied. "Are you there Morrie?" "Yes, father, I'm right here." "And you Sarah?" "Yes father, I'm here." "What about Miriam?" "Yes father, I'm right beside you." "And my baby boy, Arnold?" "I'm here too father." David gathers all his strength and exclaims, "Then who may I ask is looking after the business?"

"It's not that I am afraid to die — I just don't want to be there when it happens." (Woody Allen)

An objective comparison

Felix and Molly are strolling along the beachfront when a glorious blonde passes by. "Hello Felix. Long-time no see. Why don't you visit." "I'll call soon," he says embarrassingly. "Felix, who is that woman?" "My mistress. And before you complain, think of the fur coat I bought you last year and the diamond brooch this year." Molly seems appeased as they enter a restaurant. She immediately spots their friend, Milek Grinstein. "Who's with Milek? It's certainly not Rivka!" "That's his mistress," whispers Felix. "Nah," says Molly, "she's definitely not as cute as our mistress!"

Medical advice

Rochel decides to accompany her husband Maurice to the doctor for a check-up. After he has examined him from head to toe, the doctor calls her in on her own. "Maurice is suffering from a severe heart condition. If you don't follow my advice, he will certainly not survive. Every morning gently wake him up. Prepare a healthy breakfast for him. Be always pleasant. Cook him his favourite meals. Don't burden him with chores. Don't argue with him. Give him plenty of body massages. Encourage him to watch all the sport he can on TV. And, most importantly, make passionate love with him after dinner and satisfy his every whim. If you do this, every day, for the next few months, Maurice may pull through." On the way home, Maurice asks, "So, what did the doctor say when you saw him on your own?" "Unfortunately, he told me that there is no treatment that will help to get you well."

"We should stay alive even if it's only out of curiosity." (Yiddish proverb)

A legless chicken

Little Berl smells chicken soup coming from the kitchen. He's right — a chicken is boiling in a pot. He quickly tears off a leg and gobbles it up. Later, his mother notices that one of its legs is missing. "It must be Berl," she thinks, and asks him. "I don't know what you're talking about," he protests. His father summons Berl. "I didn't take any leg," Berl pleads. A couple of days later, father and Berl are out walking when the boy notes that a stray chicken is standing on one leg, the other obscured by feathers. "Look, this chicken also only has one leg. So why did you spank me when I said our chicken only had one leg?" The father chases the chicken to show that it has two legs. "So why didn't you chase our chicken? Perhaps it would have also grown another leg."

Guessed correctly

A young wife gives birth to her first child. The grandmother is terrified someone might give the baby the evil eye. When she sees anyone approaching the baby, she grabs him out of the pram and replaces him with their little puppy. Just then an elderly Jewish woman whose eyesight is failing peeks into the pram and utters excitedly: "Oy, what a beautiful baby — and the splitting image of his father!"

Learning good manners

A simple Jew from the country brings his two children to a teacher in the neighbouring town. "Please be sure that they learn how to study well and also how to respect their elders." The father returns a few weeks later. "How are the boys doing?" "They are making excellent progress." "Perhaps, but I asked you to teach them to act courteously. When they came home for the holidays, they did not even ask their mother how she was feeling." "Don't worry. On your next visit, I assure you they will have changed for the better." A month later, their father is back in town. The moment they see him, the boys run to him and ask, "Father, Father, is our mother still feeling alright?"

A short telegram

A young wife has just given birth to her first child. Naturally, her husband wants to send his mother a telegram. He writes — "Rochel happily delivered of a son." She immediately responds, "You don't have a businessman's mind. Such a wordy telegram is expensive. Firstly — Rochel. It is obvious that I had the baby, who else? So we can get rid of that. Secondly — happily. What then? Unhappily? And thirdly — delivered of. What else? Did the baby fall out of heaven? And finally, do we have to include the word 'son'? Naturally if we send a telegram, it must be a son. After all, the birth of a daughter would not be much of a simcha (a joyful occasion)."

The father and the student accountant

A teacher asks a Jewish student, "Listen carefully. If I owed your father 100 rubles and I had already paid him 50, how much would I still owe him?" The child thinks and thinks. "Did you take an account from my father?" The teacher is furious. "Stupid child, what is the difference? Okay, I didn't take an account from him. How much do I still owe him if he lent me 100 rubles and I gave him back 50?" Replies the child, "100 rubles." The teacher is now beyond himself. "Stupid, you do not know any arithmetic." Replies the child, "I may not know arithmetic, but then you do not know my father."

The eligible scholar

A Jewish girl brings home her beloved to meet her parents. After dinner, her father settles into his study with the young man for a whiskey. "So, what are your plans?" "I am a Biblical scholar." "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a comfortable home for my daughter?" "I will study, and God will take care of us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring?" "I will concentrate on my studies and God will provide." "And children? How will you support them?" "Don't worry, God will do so." Later, the mother asks, "So? How did it go?" "He has no job, no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."

The suspicious suitor

A suitor is paying his first visit to the proposed bride's home in the company of the shadchan. While waiting for the family, the shadchan points out several silver ornaments in the display cabinet. "Look, don't you see how rich the family is." "But," asks the suspicious suitor, "all this silver could have been borrowed in order to impress me." "That's ridiculous," the shadchan retorts. "No-one would lend anything to this family."

A mother's joy

"Ben has been at school for only two weeks, and he knows so much already," exults Judy. "You must be so proud," sighs her friend Rochel. "Let me show you how clever he is. Ben, if you have three apples and then you add another three apples, how many apples will you have?" Ben knits his brow and stutters, "F..f..f..ive?" Judy beams, "See, only out by one."

Degrees of madness

Mr Finkelstein had just visited his brother-in-law in a psychiatric hospital. "Poor Gideon," he tells his wife, "he speaks nothing but nonsense." "Could you make any contact with him?" "I tried. I talked about the business, the family, the money we owe him…" "And did he remember how much?" "He certainly did. That meshuga he is not."

What pride!

Mrs Rosen is pushing her stroller in the park. "Hello," says the new neighbour, "Such beautiful babies! How old are they?" "The doctor is 4 months and the lawyer one and a half years."

More pride!

Mrs Reingold is proudly pushing her grandson around the park. A friend looks into the pram and exclaims, "What a beautiful baby." "You think he's beautiful — wait until you see the photographs!"

A profound father–son discussion

Joseph rushes into his father's study. "Dad, have I got news for you!" "What news?" "I've found a girl just like Mum," blurts out Joseph excitedly. "Ok, so you've found a girl like your mother. What do you want from me — sympathy?"

"Small children, small troubles; big children, big troubles." (Yiddish proverb)

Birth notice

Zalman and Dina Friedman are delighted to announce the birth of their first son, Professor Joshua Arnold Friedman.

A Jewish princess

A young Jewish couple marry and joyfully go on a honeymoon. When they get back, Judy calls her mother. "Well, darling, how was it?" "Oh Mom, the honeymoon was wonderful! But the moment we returned, Sam began using horrible language — terrible four-letter words. You've got to come and take me home." Judy begins to cry uncontrollably. "But darling, what four-letter words?" "I can't tell you, Mom; they're too awful! Come get me, please." "Judy, you must tell me what has upset you so much... Tell me the four-letter words!" Still sobbing, the new bride mentions — dust, iron, cook.

Motherly pride

The very first Jewish Prime Minister calls his widowed mother to invite her for Chanuka. "I'd like to come Yoni but it's so much trouble. First, I must get a taxi to the airport…" "Mom, I'm the Prime Minister. I'll arrange for a limousine." "That would be nice, but I'll still have to get a boarding pass… and I hate the middle seat." "For goodness' sake Mom, I'll send the prime minister's special plane." "But when we land, I'll still have to carry my bags… and try to find a taxi…" "Mom! I'll have a helicopter waiting. You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn." "I don't know. I would still need a hotel room…" "Mom, you'll stay in the VIP suite of the official Government Residence." "Well, alright," she sighs, "I'll come, just for you Jonathan." That afternoon, she's chatting with a friend. "What's new Chana?" "I'm visiting my son for Chanuka." "The doctor?" "No… the other one."

A matter of competition

Two Jewish mothers are deep in conversation about their only sons. "My boy is so wonderful. He takes me out for dinner every week. And every winter he gives me a lovely holiday in Bali." "That's nothing," the other mother replies. "My son goes to the most expensive psychiatrist in town twice a week. And do you know what he talks about? Me!"

Priorities

A Jew is seriously injured in an accident and, oy vey, his penis has been crushed. He's rushed to the hospital where the surgeon advises him, "We can replace it with a small size for $5,000, medium for $15,000, or large for $30,000. Take your time and talk it over with your wife." The surgeon comes back to find the patient staring sadly at the floor. "My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen."

Finding an Indian name

A young Jew calls his mother. "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman whom I want to marry. She's an American Indian and her name is Shooting Star." "Oy," laments his mother. "I have an Indian name now," he says, "It's Running Water. Please call me that from now on." "How nice." "Do you want an Indian name, too, Mom?" "I already have one; just call me Sitting Shiva."

A pining mother

A son calls his mother who lives in a distant city. "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good, I have felt very weak." "But why?" "I haven't eaten for a month." "That's terrible. Why not?" "I didn't want my mouth to be full of food when you called."

Jewish drama

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother proudly that he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. And what part is it?" "I play a Jewish husband." The mother scowls. "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

A genius, that boy!

Three-year-old Joshua practises spelling with magnetic letters on the fridge door — cat, dog, dad, and mum have been proudly displayed. Joshua bounces into the kitchen one morning with three magnetic letters — G O D — in his hands. "Look what I spelled, Mum!" "Wonderful! Put them on the fridge for Dad when he gets home tonight." That Jewish kindergarten is certainly effective, she muses happily. Just then, a voice calls from the kitchen, "Mum? How do you spell 'ZILLA'?"

If their mothers were only Jewish

Mona Lisa's mother: "After all that money your father and I spent on the orthodontist, that's the best smile you can give us?" Columbus's mother: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!" Michelangelo's mother: "Can't you paint in your drawing book like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" Napoleon's mother: "Alright, if you aren't hiding your school report inside your blazer, take your hand out and show me." Albert Einstein's mother: "But it's your graduation photograph. Can't you do something about your hair?" Jonah's mother: "That's a nice story. Now tell me honestly, where have you been for the last three days?" Thomas Edison's mother: "Of course, I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now switch it off and go to sleep!"

The universal Jewish mother

Noa calls her mother. "Darling, how nice to hear from you. How is everything?" "Don't ask. All three kids have got a temperature, the dishwasher's broken, the toilet's blocked and it's flooding the bathroom. At one o'clock I'm having four friends for lunch. What shall I do?" "Don't worry. I'll get a taxi and come right over. I'll take care of the kids. I'll cook a tasty lunch for your friends, and I'll even make dinner for Sam." "Sam? Who's Sam?" "Your husband of course!" "But Mum, my husband's name is Ezra." She pauses. "Is this 9824 3097?" "No, it's 9824 4097." A long silence follows and then a deep sigh, "Does this mean you're not coming?"

Until death do us part

Daniel, the wealthy lingerie manufacturer, is on his deathbed. "Leah, my dear wife, I have never made a will. Listen to what I tell you. First, I'm leaving the business to Hymie." "Are you meshuga? Hymie has only one thing on his mind — horses. He'll destroy the business! Leave it to Max." "Okay," sighs Daniel. "Let it be Max. The holiday house, I am leaving for Rachel." "Are you serious? Her husband's got plenty of money. Why don't you leave it to Malka, who's got nothing?" "Okay, fine, let it be Malka. As for the limousine, I leave it to Simon." "Simon? He's got a luxury one already! Bella could make much better use of it." Daniel is silent. Then summoning his remaining strength he pleads, "Leah! Who's dying — you or me?"

"Ever since dying became fashionable, life hasn't been the same." (anon)

A Passover ruse

Sol, retired and living in a warmer part of the country, calls his son. "I hate to tell you, Levi, but your mother and I can't stand each other anymore. We fight all the time. We are getting divorced. I want to live my remaining years in peace." The father hangs up and Levi immediately calls his sister with the dreadful news. Miriam, shocked to the core, calls her father and pleads, "Don't do anything until Levi and I get there! We'll be down Friday afternoon." The father responds, "Alright, alright already," and hangs up. "Okay Sadie, they'll be here for Passover — but what are we going to come up with for Rosh Hashana?"

The truth about grandparenting

What's the difference between naches and a mechaye? "When your grandchildren arrive to visit, that's naches; when they leave, that's a mechaye."

The ideal marriage

Aaron and Bernie have not met for years. "How's the family? How is your good wife Tsipora?" asks Aaron. "All fine. I've finally found the secret to a long, successful marriage." "Yes? What is it?" "Once a week without fail, a sumptuous dinner, then a stroll home in the moonlight… she goes on Tuesdays, I go on Thursdays."

Jewish bigamy

What's the Jewish punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

A woman's business

Yuli, a retired man, musters up the courage to announce dreadful news to his wife. "I don't know how to tell you this Golda, but the stock market crashed and I'm afraid we're ruined." "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town," suggests Golda calmly. When they reach town Golda points to a striking building. "We own that." He thinks his wife has lost her mind. He drives to the richest part of town. Golda points out a mansion. "We own that as well." "What makes you think we own all this property?" "Remember when we married and for a joke you gave me $10 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it, and 20 years later this is what has become of it." Yuli exclaims, "Oy vey, if I'd known you were this good with money, I would have given you ALL my business."

"Love is sweet, but it's always nice to have it with bread." (Yiddish proverb)

Ways of relating

Hymie is having a coffee and looking as mournful as can be. "What's wrong?" asks the waiter. "I had a fight with my wife, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." "That should make you happy, no?" "Not at all… the month is up today!"

Moaning and its variations

Morris comes home to find his wife, Goldie, crying. "I found out that you are having an affair with your new secretary. Why would you do this to me?" Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Goldie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You have made me happy in all ways except one. You have never moaned when we have had sex!" "If I moaned during sex, would you stop running around?" "Come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!" They retire to the bedroom. Goldie asks, "Morris, should I moan now?" "No, not yet." Morris begins fondling Goldie. "What about now?" "No, I'll tell you when." Moments later, in the heat of passion, Morris yells, "Now, Goldie, now!" She blurts out, "Oy! You wouldn't believe the problems I had today!"

An unusual trip

Judy Cohen, an elderly Jewish woman, consults a travel agent. "I want to go to India." "Mrs Cohen, why India? It's very hot, you can pick up a terrible disease…" She insists. The arrangements are made, and off she flies. She arrives in Chennai and makes her way to an ashram, where she joins the never-ending queue waiting for an audience with the maharishi. After three days she reaches the hallowed portal where she is instructed firmly that she can only utter three words. She is ushered into the inner sanctum. Just before she reaches the holy of holies she is again reminded: "Remember, only three words." Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostrate herself at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on him, and says, "Meyer, come home."

"Madness is hereditary — you can get it from your children." (Stan Leveson)

A little too honest

A couple married for 30 years are chatting one evening. Rivka says, "Hymie, if I were to die, would you remarry?" "I don't know Rivka, I might." "Would you still live in the house?" "Why yes, I've worked for a long time to get it fixed up." "Would you buy new furniture?" "No need for that. The furniture is fine." "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" "Why of course. It's a good bed." Angrily, she retorts, "I suppose you would even let her use my golf clubs." "No, unfortunately she's left-handed."

Mixed news

A 30-year-old Jew decides it's time for a heart-to-heart talk with his parents. "Look, Mum and Dad, I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The bad news is — I'm gay." "Gay? My God! Gay?" screams his mother. "After that — what could be good news?" "My boyfriend's a doctor."

What's in a name

Mrs Frank sends off her son to his first day of school. "So bubeleh, you'll be a good boy and listen to the teacher. And you'll be polite, bubeleh, and play nicely with the other children. And when it's time to come home, you'll button up warm so you don't catch a cold. And you'll be careful crossing the street, bubeleh, and come straight home…" When he comes home in the afternoon, his mother hugs and kisses him. "So did you like school, bubeleh? Did you make new friends? Did you learn anything special?" "Yes. I learned my name is Benjamin."

Let sleeping dogs lie

A funeral is being held for the late Rosie Goldblatt. At the end of the service the pall bearers are wheeling the coffin out of the prayer hall when they accidentally bump it against a pillar. They hear a faint sound. Horror-struck, they open the coffin to find that Mrs Goldblatt is fully alive. In fact, she continues to live ten more years. The "second" funeral is held at the same cemetery. At the end of the service the pall bearers are wheeling out the coffin when they hear Mrs Goldblatt cry out, "Watch out for the pillar!"

A Jewish wish

An elderly Jew is strolling along the beach when he spots a lamp. He rubs it and, sure enough, a genie jumps out. "All my life I have been imprisoned in this lamp. Now that you have released me, I grant you one wish." "Look, I'm an old man. I don't really wish anything for myself." "I insist — there must be something you want." The Jew mulls it over. "Israel is surrounded by many enemies. Perhaps you can make peace in the Middle East?" The genie studies the map carefully. "That's difficult, very difficult. Maybe you can wish for something else?" The old Jew gingerly pulls out a photo of his wife. "This is my wife, Hazel. She is a little old as you can see; could you turn her into a young, beautiful woman?" "Can I have another look at the map?"

The pressure of time

Mr Goldin has returned to his doctor to learn the results of blood tests. "Dr Jones, give it to me straight." "I am afraid the news is bad — you have only got 12 hours to live." Mr Goldin dashes home to tell his wife. They go to a superb restaurant, order fine wines, eat heartily, and retire to bed. "Time is short — let's make love," he suggests. They do so. An hour later he rouses his wife. "Let's make love again." She obliges. This happens several times during the night. With the arrival of dawn, the doomed man again wakes up his wife. "One more time please." Mrs Goldin sighs wearily, "It's alright for you, you don't have to get up in the morning."

Three sound reasons

How do we know that Jesus was Jewish? Well, he lived at home until he was 30; he went into his father's business; and his mother was certain he was God.

Heavenly arrangements

Meir arrives in heaven and immediately observes two queues. At the head of one, a sign states, "Men who are hen-pecked by their wives." The queue there is at least a couple of kilometres long. Meir then spots another sign: "Men who are not hen-pecked by their wives." Only one rather forlorn man is standing there. "Why are you waiting here?" Meir asks. "My wife suggested I should."