Religion

Rabbinical brilliance

Three students are boasting about the scholarship of their respective Rabbis. The first proudly asserts, 'My Rabbi's knowledge is so vast that only a dozen renowned Rabbis can follow his interpretations.' 'That's nothing,' says the second student effusively, 'My Rabbi is so erudite that when he lectures, we know of only three renowned Rabbis who can grasp what he is saying.' Exults the third student, 'My Rabbi is so brilliant that when he delivers a sermon, he is so inspired that his thoughts get jumbled, and he has trouble knowing what he is talking about.'

Why Gentiles?

A congregant asks his Rabbi, 'Why did God create Gentiles?' The Rabbi replies in all earnest, 'Somebody has to buy retail.'

Complex ethics

Two students of a distinguished Rabbi visit him and while waiting, his wife brings them tea and a plate with two slices of cheesecake — one small, one big. 'Please,' one student says to the other, offering him the plate. 'No, you first.' 'No, I insist.' 'No, you go ahead.' Eventually one helps himself — to the bigger slice. The other is furious, 'What! You help yourself first and take the bigger slice.' 'If you would have chosen first, which slice would you have taken?' 'The smaller one, of course!' 'Then what are you complaining about!'

Disputations forever

Four Rabbis constantly argued about Jewish law. The same three are always in accord. One day, the odd Rabbi out, after the usual '3 to 1 vote', decides to appeal to a higher authority. 'Oh God!' he cries. 'I know in my heart that I am right, and they are wrong! Please offer me a sign to prove it!' It's a glorious day. As soon as the Rabbi finishes his prayers, storm clouds move across the sky. 'A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!' But the other three dispute this, pointing out that storm clouds can form on a hot day. The Rabbi prays again, 'Oh God, I need a bigger sign!' This time four storm clouds rush together and a bolt of lightning slams into a tree nearby. His colleagues again insist it could all be explained by natural causes. The Rabbi is preparing to beg for an exceptional sign, but just as he says, 'Oh God …,' the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and a deep booming voice intones, 'HE IS RIGHT!' The Rabbi turns to the other three, 'Well?' 'So what,' shrugs one of the other Rabbis, 'now the score is 3 : 2.'

In a Jewish quarrel, each side is always 100% right. (Joe Lukatz)

A surplus of praying

Tuviah is beside himself. His wife is about to deliver their first child; and the midwife is looking uneasy. 'Rabbi, please come to my home and recite a prayer for my poor Sarele who is in labour.' 'Since this is your first child, I'll bring a minyan.' The men arrive and energetically commit themselves to prayer. The lusty cry of a baby is soon heard. 'It's a girl!' Tuviah transmits the joyful news. Mazal tov, they cry in unison. The midwife beckons Tuviah back a few minutes later. 'Another baby — beautiful twins.' Again the mazal tovs ring out. Tuviah dashes back to learn that a third baby has been delivered. 'Triplets,' he screams to the men, and then adds in a frenzy, 'For goodness sake gentlemen, enough with the praying!'

A complex philosophical exchange

The famous Rabbi is close to the end. His students hover around his bed in reverence. The silence is broken only by the dying man's laboured breathing. At last, the Rabbi's most loyal student summons up the courage to pose the question that everyone wants an answer to, 'Rabbi, tell us, what is the secret of life?' The Rabbi pauses, the students wait with bated breath, the atmosphere is electric, 'Life … is … like … a … pickled cucumber.' The students whisper to one another … puzzled … pickled cucumber … what does our Rabbi mean? Again the loyal student asks gingerly, 'Like a pickled cucumber, Rabbi …??' 'Alright,' sighs the Rabbi, 'so it's not like a pickled cucumber.'

Adam wants a woman

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, 'Lord, I have a problem.' 'What's the problem?' 'I know you created me, have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I'm not happy.' 'Why not? After all you have everything a man could want?' 'I'm lonely.' 'Oh, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you.' 'What's a woman?' 'She will be intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful. She will anticipate what you want, will know how to make you happy, will care for your every need. A perfect companion.' 'Sounds wonderful — just what I need.' 'She will be, but there is a cost involved, Adam.' 'How much?' 'She'll cost you an arm and a leg.' Adam ponders for some time, bearing an expression of deep concern. Finally, he asks hesitantly, 'God, what can you offer me for one of my ribs?' The rest, as they say, is history.

Unleavened humour

Bernie, a young Jewish boy, is determined to become an aeronautical engineer. He studies hard, gains a reputation as a superb engineer, and launches his own business. It is so successful that the Israeli Air Force commissions him to build an advanced jet fighter. Disaster strikes on the first test flight. The wings cannot take the strain and break clean off the body. Bernie redesigns the jet; the next test flight fails for the same reason. The Rabbi spots Bernie's anguish and asks what's troubling him. After hearing him out, the Rabbi says, 'Listen, I believe I can solve the problem. You must drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, the wings will not fall off.' Bernie has nothing to lose. He does exactly what the Rabbi suggests. The next test flight succeeds without a hitch! Brimming with joy, Bernie rushes to convey the good news. 'Naturally,' says the Rabbi, 'I had no doubt whatsoever.' 'But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?' 'Bernie,' the Rabbi intoned, 'I'm an old man and I've celebrated Pesach many times. And in all those years, not once — NOT ONCE — has the matza broken on the perforation!'

Phoning the Board of Rabbis

'You have reached the office of the Board of Rabbis. One of our Rabbis is ready to answer your inquiry. Please go ahead: — If you're ultra-orthodox, press 1 — bear in mind that you may have to wait indefinitely since we rely on the Messiah to deal with all queries. — If you're Modern Orthodox, press 2 — our Rabbi will need to explore all 613 commandments, hence some delay. — If you're Conservative, press 3 — you will receive two answers to your question, both of which are acceptable. — If you're Reform, press any button — who are we to tell you how to answer your question?'

The Synagogue President

Joseph Rosenthal was the richest Jew in the town. Although the community did not particularly like him, they elected him President of their shul. One day a Jewish businessman arrived in town for the first time. Disoriented, he asks a bystander, 'Can you tell me where I can find the President of the shul?' 'You mean Mr Rosenthal? The pig, the dog. He lives on Krakover Street.' He asks another Jew, 'Do you know how I can find Joseph Rosenthal's house?' 'You mean our President. The air should swallow him. He lives near the Post Office.' At the Post Office: 'The President? May he develop every known disease. He lives in that big house on the corner.' He asks the porter where he might find Mr Rosenthal: 'The cheat, the thief? The big door on the second level.' Finally face to face with Mr Rosenthal amid all his wealth, the visitor musters his courage, 'I hope you don't mind me prying but it looks as if you are a man of means. So why do you bother about being the President of the shul?' 'Oh that? I do it merely for the koved.'

Harry among the righteous

Some of the most righteous Jews in the community are talking about rich Jews who live among them. They all agree that however wealthy one is, everyone dies in the end. With this new theme of death, one remarks, 'When I die, I would like to lie beside my great Talmud teacher. He was such a righteous man.' Another contributes, 'After my death, I want to be buried close to Rev Dovid, who taught me the essence of Judaism.' A third would give anything to lie next to the Rabbi of their shul who inspires him every day. They then spot Harry, a bit of a layabout. 'Nu, Harry, why so quiet?' 'I would want to lie next to Benjamin Hirschfeld's daughter.' They all reply as if one, 'Stupid man, what do you want to do with her? She is still alive.' 'And what about me, am I a corpse?'

Better ten times sick than one time dead. (anon)

Stubbornly incredulous

A Jew converts to Catholicism with the aim of serving as a priest. He begins to study but encounters trouble believing in the miracles of Christ. His teacher attempts to explain the nature of a miracle. 'Suppose you jumped from a high building, and didn't get hurt, what would you call that?' 'Chance,' responds the student. 'Suppose you repeat the jump and still don't get hurt?' 'A coincidence.' 'Alright, you jump a third time, and you are still unhurt. What would you call that?' 'Force of habit.'

Learning on the job

Another Jew converts to Catholicism and decides to study for the priesthood. A year later, he celebrates his first mass in front of several high-ranking clergy who have come especially for the occasion. At the end of the service, the Bishop steps up to congratulate him, 'Father Ginsberg, well done, you were most impressive. I only have one suggestion — it would be preferable if you didn't punctuate your sermon with "Fellow goyim."'

A question of status

A chazan suddenly falls to the floor during the Shabbat service and proclaims, 'God, I'm in awe of your greatness; I am a nobody before you.' Not to be outdone, the Rabbi also falls to the floor, and shouts, 'God, I'm in awe of your greatness; I am a nobody before you.' The shames, caught up in the emotional swirl, joins them on the floor and yells out, 'God, I am in awe of your greatness; I am a nothing before you.' The chazan turns to the Rabbi and sneers, 'Mmph — look who thinks he's a gornisht!'

A pragmatic remedy

A small town has two churches, Presbyterian and Methodist, as well as a synagogue. All three have a serious problem with squirrels inhabiting their buildings. The Presbyterians decide that it is predestined for squirrels to live in a place of worship; the congregation has to adapt. The Methodists resolve to deal with the squirrels lovingly, in the ways of Christ. They trap them humanely and release them in a remote parkland. Within three days, they have all returned. The Jews confer and recommend to the Board that all squirrels should be admitted to the shul as new members. Amazing outcome — they only scurry around once a year, on the Day of Atonement, like many of the Jewish members.

Are buffalo kosher?

A family of Schmohawk Indians were sitting in their teepee one night — the papa, Geronowitz; the mama, Pocayenta; and their beautiful daughter, Minihorowitz. 'You'll never believe,' says the daughter, 'a handsome man proposed to me today.' 'That's wonderful! Who's the lucky boy?' 'Sittin' Bialy.' 'Sittin' Bialy of the Sioux tribe? Oy vay, there are so many of them! How can we fit them all in our small teepee?' Pocayenta has an idea: a buffalo can solve the problem — buffalo stew for the feast and buffalo hide to extend the teepee. Geronowitz sets out to hunt. A day goes by, then a night. Another day, no sign. On the third day he staggers in, exhausted but empty-handed. 'Where's the buffalo?' 'On the first day, I found a buffalo. But it was tiny and scrawny, with no meat on its bones and barely enough hide for a rain hat. The second day, I found one with plenty of meat and hide, but it was the ugliest buffalo I have ever seen — not for my daughter's wedding! The next morning, going up and down the plains, I found the perfect buffalo. I reached quietly for my tomahawk, tip-toed over, raised it slowly over its neck — when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning, I saw it.' 'Saw what?' asks an anxious Pocayenta. 'I'd brought the milchig tomahawk!'

Don't mention the war!

Primo, an elderly Italian Jew burdened by guilt, confides to his Rabbi that '... when the Germans invaded Italy, I disguised myself as a Catholic, changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and survived as a result.' 'Self-preservation is permissible Primo; and the fact that you never forgot you were a Jew is admirable.' 'I need to tell you more. A beautiful Jewish woman begged me to conceal her. I hid her in the attic, and the Germans never found her.' 'A wonderfully heroic act, Primo.' 'There's more. I was weak and low in spirit and told her she must repay me with sexual favours, which she did and repeatedly.' 'Wait a moment — both of you were in mortal danger. There is a balance here between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. No need to feel guilt at all.' 'That's a huge load off my mind. But I have one more question, Rabbi.' 'And what is that?' 'Should I tell her the war ended 30 years ago?'

A gay synagogue

Just before the Jewish New Year Gary learns of a gay synagogue in San Francisco. He's very excited since this is what he's been yearning for. He enters the shul and sure enough, there's a gay Rabbi, a gay cantor and a mostly gay congregation. He joins in the service but is terribly distracted by a handsome young man sitting beside him. Finally, he gives in to temptation and puts his hand on the man's knee. Two large men immediately rush over, pick him up, carry him out of shul, and toss him down the stairs onto the street. 'Hey, why did you do that?' he cries, 'Is this not a gay synagogue?' 'It is,' replies one of his ejectors, 'but nobody messes about with the Rebbetzin.'

Directed anger

A congregation decides to honour its Rabbi for 25 years of exceptional service by arranging a week for him in a beautiful resort, all expenses paid. When he enters his hotel room, there is a beautiful woman lying on the bed. 'Hi, Rabbi... I'm a little extra the shul is paying for!' The Rabbi is incensed! He calls the President and bellows, 'Mr Greenberg, where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! As your Rabbi, I am very, very angry.' The woman, shaken to the core, gets up to leave. The Rabbi turns to her, 'Where are you going? It's not you I'm angry with.'

A kosher haircut

A priest has a haircut, thanks the barber cordially, and asks for the bill. 'Father, you're a man of the cloth; I couldn't charge you; it's on the house.' The priest graciously responds, 'Thank you so much; how kind.' The next morning, as if by magic, the barber finds 12 gold coins on the doorstep of the shop. A few days later, a Buddhist monk enters the same hairdresser. When the time comes to pay, the barber insists, 'No payment necessary; you're a spiritual leader, it's on the house.' The next day, 12 rubies on the doorstep. The following week a Rabbi gets his hair cut by the same barber. 'No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take money from you, go in peace.' The next morning, 12 Rabbis patiently wait in a queue at the door of the shop.

A record

Rabbi Sackheim gets very irritable when congregants don't attend shul to hear his sermons. On one Shabbat, a member has to attend his nephew's bar mitzvah in another town. He hires a Shabbos goy to tape the sermon and listen to it the next day. Other congregants who don't want to miss their favourite soccer team observe the process and begin to recruit Shabbes goys. 27 Gentiles arrive at the shul the following Shabbat, each one with a concealed tape recorder. The Rabbi gets wise to this, prepares his sermons during the week, and has a Shabbes goy broadcast them in shul. The 27 goys dutifully tape them. Later, the Rabbi overhears the shul president announce to the Board that this is unprecedented — indeed, the first example he has ever heard of 'artificial in-sermon-ation.'

A prodigal son

A father is concerned about his son Shimon who is only 16 months away from his bar mitzva but sorely lacking in Jewish knowledge. He sends his son to Israel to experience his Jewish heritage firsthand. Shimon returns home a year later, 'Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers. It was wonderful. However, I must confess that while there I converted to Christianity.' 'Oy vey,' laments the father, 'what have I done?' Feeling guilt-ridden, he seeks advice from one of his closest friends. 'It is amazing that you should come to me,' sighs his friend. 'As you know I also sent my son to Israel, and he returned a Christian.' Both in agony, they approach their Rabbi for help and solace. 'What a coincidence you should consult me. I have endured exactly the same experience. We must ask for God's help.' They fall to their knees and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they pray a voice rumbles from heaven: 'Amazing that you should come to me. I sent my Jewish son to ancient Israel two thousand years ago and he went all the way by introducing a new religion he called Christianity.'

The intricacies of Jewish learning

A Priest meets his friend the Rabbi: 'You have taught me many things, but there is one thing I want you to teach me — the Talmud.' The Rabbi replies, 'Since you were not raised as a Jew, you will find the task too difficult.' The Priest applies immense pressure. 'I shall teach you on condition that you answer one question.' 'Two men fall down a chimney. One comes out dirty, the other clean. Which one has a wash?' 'Simple — the dirty one washes, the clean one not.' 'Wrong. The clean man looks at the dirty one and assumes he is also dirty and washes. The dirty man looks at the clean one and thinks he is clean too, and does not wash.' 'Ask me another!' 'Two men fall down a chimney. One comes out dirty, the other clean. Which goes to wash?' 'The clean one looks at the dirty one and washes. The dirty one looks at the clean one and does not wash.' 'Wrong again. The clean one looks into the mirror, sees that he is clean, and does not wash. The dirty one looks into the mirror, sees that he is dirty, and washes himself.' 'But you did not mention there was a mirror!' 'You must think of all possibilities. Ask one more.' 'Two men fall down a chimney. One comes out dirty, the other clean. Which washes?' 'No problem! If there is no mirror — the clean one washes, the dirty one not. If there is a mirror — the dirty one washes, the clean one not.' The Rabbi mutters, 'I told you it's futile. You basically are endowed with a non-Jewish brain. How can two men fall down the same chimney, and one come out dirty and the other clean!'

Only a Jew can ask a question and answer it in the same sentence. (Anon)

Not a straightforward purchase

An elderly Jewish woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for Chanuka. 'May I have 50 Chanuka stamps?' 'What denomination?' asks the clerk. 'Oy vey, has it come to this? Alright then, give me 12 Orthodox, 13 Conservative and 25 Reform stamps.'

A religious parrot

Meyer, a lonely widower, passes a pet store and hears a squawking voice shouting in Yiddish, 'Quawwwwk... how are you... Yeah, you... outside, standing like a schlemiel?' Meyer rubs his eyes. The proprietor grabs him by the sleeve, 'Come check this parrot... he likes you.' Meyer stands in front of an African Grey that cocks his head and says, 'Kenst redden Yiddish?' In a matter of moments Meyer buys the parrot. All night long he talks with the parrot, now called Bubba, in Yiddish. Next morning, Meyer begins to pray. Bubba is curious and also wants to pray. Meyer makes a miniature yarmulke for him and teaches him the Jewish liturgy. On the High Holidays Meyer takes Bubba to shul. Bets are made by the congregants that the parrot CANNOT pray. All eyes are fixed on him. Bubba perches on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer after the other is recited... but not a peep. A flustered Meyer mumbles, 'Nu, pray now while everybody's looking at you!' Silence. After the service, Meyer realizes he owes people a lot of money. He marches home in disgust. 'You miserable bird... you cost me over 400 dollars. After I taught you to chant all the prayers in Hebrew, why didn't you sing even one?' 'Don't be an idiot,' Bubba replies, 'Think of the odds on Yom Kippur.'

Respecting the dead

An old Jewish man, Mr Feinberg, dies and his family is planning the funeral. The local rabbi is on a visit to Israel, so they bring in a Rabbi from another synagogue. After chanting the kaddish the Rabbi begins his eulogy, 'We are here to mourn the passing of our dear friend Mr Feinberg, an honoured member of the community.' An old man blurts out, 'What are you talking about, Rabbi — this man was a thief, a trickster, and would cheat his own grandmother!' The Rabbi takes another approach: 'A patron of the synagogue and a dedicated Talmudic scholar.' 'Are you meshuga, Rabbi? This man hasn't been in a shul since his bar mitzva!' 'A loving husband and dedicated father.' 'Rabbi, you obviously didn't know Mr Feinberg. He cheated on his wife whenever he could, and never spent time with his children!' At a total loss, the Rabbi sighs, 'My friends, have we, as Jews, not suffered from the insults and prejudices of our neighbours? Surely there is someone here who knew Mr Feinberg and can say something good about him.' After a long silence the old man proclaims, 'His brother was even worse!'

The intricacies of reserving a synagogue seat

With the high holy days approaching, the synagogue sends out a seating request form to its members: 1. Where would you prefer to sit? [ ] talking section [ ] non-talking section 2. If in the talking section, which subjects? (Indicate order of interest) ___ stock market ___ sports ___ medicine ___ general gossip ___ specific gossip ___ the Rabbi ___ the cantor ___ the cantor's voice ___ the cantor's wife ___ the Rabbi's wife ___ the President ___ the President's wife ___ who is having an affair with whom 3. To which of the following would you like to be near — for free professional advice? [ ] doctor [ ] dentist [ ] nutritionist [ ] psychiatrist [ ] child psychiatrist [ ] mother-in-law [ ] podiatrist [ ] chiropractor [ ] stockbroker [ ] accountant [ ] lawyer (criminal / civil) [ ] real estate agent [ ] architect [ ] plumber 4. Where do you want your seat located? (indicate order of priority) [ ] on the aisle [ ] near the exit [ ] near the window [ ] near the toilet [ ] as far away from my in-laws as possible [ ] as far away from my ex-in-laws as possible [ ] near single men [ ] near single women [ ] where the Rabbi can't see me talking [ ] where I can sleep secretly during the Rabbi's sermon (additional charge)