Jewish Community Life

A question of valour

The Israelites after 400 years of enslavement reach the Reed Sea which has miraculously parted to reveal a strip of land running to the opposite shore. A towering wall of water flanks either side. A mighty wind howls, thunder roars, lightning flashes. The Israelites feel the ground tremble beneath their feet as Pharaoh’s chariots appear on the horizon. If his army reaches them, the Israelites will certainly be captured and enslaved once again. Moses speaks, ‘Who will show faith in the Lord who has parted the sea for us? Who will lead us across?’ Judah ben Simon appears beside Moses. ‘Thank the Lord. Go forth, Judah,’ encourages Moses. He abruptly sets off and reaches the other end in no time at all. With shous of joy, the Israelites follow. When Pharaoh’s charioteers attempt to cross, the Lord brings the waters upon them, and they all drown. The Israelites are jubilant. Moses turns to Judah, ‘Judah, you have saved us. When our courage failed, you stepped forward. When our faith wavered, you showed us the way. Ask anything of us, and it will be granted.’ Judah ponders, “Only one thing Moses; who pushed me onto the muddy pathway?’

A missed opportunity

Baron Rothschild has just died. Outside his mansion sits a poor Jew crying pitifully. A servant of the household comes out to console him, ‘Why are you so miserable ?’ he asks, ‘After all you are not a member of the family.’ ‘That’s why I’m crying.’

One mitzva can change the world; two will exhaust you (Yiddish proverb)

A question of time

Two Jews meet on a train. One asks the other if he has the time. No answer. He asks again. No answer. Eventually he bellows, ‘Do you have the time please?’ The other Jew finally responds, ‘It’s exactly 4 o’clock.’ ‘Why did it take you so long to tell me.’ ‘It’s like this. If I told you the time, we would get talking, become friendly. When we got to Krakow, I would invite you home. You would meet my daughter, she’s beautiful, and you’re handsome. You would fall in love and want to marry her. I don’t want a son-in-law who doesn’t have a watch.’

An alien Jew

A French Jew, in Shanghai on business, finds the local synagogue. He arrives promptly for the Shabbat service. He is surrounded by Chinese, all immersed in prayer. After the service, the Chinese Rabbi asks him how he comes to be in their shul. ‘Well, I like to go to the shul on a Shabbat morning,’ he replies. ‘You Jew?’ asks the Rabbi. ‘Of course, I am.’ ‘You no look like Jew.’

A mere formality

Mr Schmalzbach is recuperating in the surgery ward when in bounces the shul President, no less, ‘I bring you warmest greetings from the Board. And it’s not only greetings, but also a formal resolution, passed by a vote of 11 to 8, to convey these greetings.’ I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member (Groucho Marx)

A la mode

Sadie and Friedl, two women in their prime, meet for coffee. ‘Are you going to the synagogue Purim party?’ asked Sadie. ‘Absolutely,’ replied an excited Friedl, ‘I wouldn’t miss it for anything. The only trouble is I haven’t managed to find a pair of sandals to wear with my new dress.’ ‘What type of sandal are you looking for?’ asked Sadie. ‘It’s difficult to describe. Oh, I know, you remember we saw a film about gladiators last week?’ ‘Yes,’ replies a curious Sadie. ‘Well, do you remember the scene in which the lion is eating the gladiator?’ ‘Yes, I certainly do—dreadful to watch.’ ‘Do you remember how the lion swallows the gladiator’s head, then his trunk and then his legs, and at the end all you can see are his feet?’ ‘Oy, it was terrible to watch,’ utters Sadie. ‘Well, do you remember how all you could see were the sandals he was wearing?’ ‘Yes, yes … so?’ ‘That’s the style I want for the party.’

Frustration all round

Mrs Berger, an elderly Jewish widow, is admitted to hospital for tests. After a few days, she asks her doctor to transfer her to another hospital. ‘Don’t you like the nursing care here?’ the surprised doctor asks. ‘I can’t complain,’ replies Mrs Berger. ‘Is it the food?’ ‘I can’t complain.’ ‘Don’t you find the room comfortable?’ ‘Can’t complain.’ Finally, the doctor entirely baffled, asks, ‘Why do you want to leave the hospital then?’ ‘Because I can’t complain!’

Now that’s what I call a bar mitzva

The invitation said to be at the airport well on time. All 420 guests were excited as they clambered onto the chartered plane. When they got to Nairobi, they were whisked off to a 5-star hotel to prepare for the celebration. The next day they set out on safari to the famous Serengeti Nature Reserve. The guests are exhilarated. An hour later, the 55 luxury jeeps come to a grinding halt. The guests wondered what the hold-up was about. As the hours pass, they became increasingly restless. ‘What’s going on?’ a guest asks the safari organizer. ‘It’s busy today. There are two other bar mitzva parties ahead of us,’ he sighed.

What a coincidence!

Maurice and Issy find themselves sitting next to each other in a bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Issy and says, ‘I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Israel.’ Issy responds proudly, ‘I am!’ Maurice says, ‘So am I! And which town are you from?’ Issy answers, ‘Jerusalem.’ Maurice responds, ‘So am I! And where do you live?’ ‘A lovely little area two miles east of the King David Hotel. Not far from the old city’ Maurice says, ‘Unbelievable! So, do I. What university did you attend?’ Issy answers, ‘The Hebrew University.’ Maurice is excited, ‘So did I. What year did you graduate?’ ‘In 1984.’ Can you believe it, I also graduated in 1984.’ Maurice exclaims, ‘Amazing! This is fate. God wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at meeting in the same bar today’. At this very moment Moishe, another patron, enters the bar and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his head, and mutters, ‘It's going to be a long day - the Goldberg twins are blind drunk again.’

Knowing the customer

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers? ‘Is ANYTHING all right?’

The plaintive Jewish mother

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? ‘Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.’

Maternal tenacity

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

A place for logic

In the shtetl cheder the teacher was a little old fashioned. When he taught the Bible for instance, he rambled on about other things such as animals, flowers, and birds. Goodness knows why he did this. Why does a Jewish child need to know the names of flowers? However, this teacher felt strongly about this type of teaching and that was that. One day the teacher thought it would be a good idea for the children to learn the purpose of various animals. For example, why cats? That’s simple. It is well known that cats eat mice. So, if a mouse falls into a pitcher of milk, you throw in a cat, the cat eats the mouse, and you save the milk. He went on in this way. ‘So, Yankel, why do we need sheep?’ asked the teacher. The child thinks for a moment, ‘Wool’. ‘And what do we use wool for?’ The child is silent. ‘Come on Yankel, what do we make with wool?’ Again, the child has no idea. ‘Goyishe kop, what is your coat made of?’ ‘From my father’s old pair of trousers.’

Solid advice

They had just completed building a new bridge in the shtetl. Since the river was wide, the bridge was also wide. When it was ready for crossing, the men of the shtetl agreed after a lengthy discussion that they need to determine whether the bridge was strong enough for people to walk across. The men offered different suggestions as to how to conduct the trial. There was one Jew in the shtetl, a chochem who offers the following advice, ‘Gentlemen, it’s a simple thing. We should work out how many mothers-in-law there are in our town and then get them to cross the bridge as a group. Either they will cross the bridge safely and that would be a good thing or the bridge will collapse, they will fall in the river and drown in which case this is also not such a bad thing).’

A matter of perspective

One Jew meets another in the street. ‘Scholem, how are you?’ ‘Ay! What can I tell you? Not good. My house together with the business burnt down.’ ‘Oy vey! That is bad.’ ‘Well, it is not that terrible. I was fully insured.’ ‘Ah, then that is good.’ ‘Hold on, it is not as good as you say it is.’ ‘But why?’ ‘My wife, who you knew, died.’ ‘That is dreadful.’ ‘Not really.’ ‘What do you mean? What could be worse?’ ‘Well, I married another woman - a young woman with a big dowry.’ ‘Oh, that’s fine.’ ‘Well, it’s not that fine.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘It would have been fine but opposite our house lives a young soldier, and he meets with her regularly. And when a young soldier and a young woman meet, I don’t think they talk about philosophy.’ ‘That is not nice. In fact, it’s terrible.’ ‘Well, it sounds terrible, but it’s not actually that terrible.’ ‘What do you mean? What are you talking about? It’s ugly.’ ‘The soldier you should know has a young very pretty wife. And when my wife meets up with the soldier, his wife visits me.’ ‘Well, so it’s not such a great tragedy. In fact, it’s good.’ ‘Yes, it’s neither good nor terrible. In fact, its nishkoshe.’

Where does the goldsmith live?

A Jew came to Warsaw to look up a friend called Rosenblatt. He approaches a simple Jew, ‘Perhaps you know a friend of mine called Rosenblatt; he’s a goldsmith.’ ‘Rosenblatt? You probably mean Rosenzweig?’ ‘No, I mean Rosenblatt.’ ‘You can rely on me – you obviously mean Rosenzweig.’ ‘What do you mean I can rely on you? If I am looking for Rosenblatt and not Rosenzweig, how …’ The other interrupts, ‘With due respect, I have been living in Warsaw for 25 years. There IS a goldsmith called Rosenblatt, but he lives in Moscow. The goldsmith we have in Warsaw is called Rosenzweig and I will tell you how you can find him. You must get onto Tram No. 6 and go down Krakow Street for 20 minutes. There, change to Tram No 18 and keep on it for 15 minutes. You will then reach a big church. Continue further for another 20 minutes and you will come to a small lane. At the other end of the lane, you will find a large shul. Continue further and you will see several small houses. Go beyond these and you will come to a large house. He doesn’t live on the ground floor in that house but on the second storey on the right-hand side. Well, at least that is where he lived two years ago. But whether he lives there now I have no idea.’

The elusive Reb Hersh

A Jew came to a shtetl looking for Reb Hersh. He approaches an old Jew and asks him, ‘Do you perhaps know Reb Hersh? ‘Reb Hersh? Which Reb Hersh?’ The traveller responds, ‘Reb Hersh who only has one eye.’ ‘He only has one eye. No, I don’t know him.’ ‘Yes, he has got one eye, and his other eye runs.’ ‘Reb Hersh? One eye missing and the other runs. Mumm … No, I don’t know him.’ ‘What do you mean? Everybody knows Reb Hersh. He’s got a crooked nose and a thick pair of lips.’ ‘A crooked nose? Thick lips? One eye missing? The other eye runs? … No, I don’t know who you mean.’ ‘It can’t be, you must know him. He also has a hunchback.’ ‘Reb Hersh, with a hunchback you say. With a crooked nose, thick lips, a missing eye, the other runs … I really can’t help you.’ ‘Who doesn’t know Reb Hersh? He limps on one foot. He is a tinsmith.’ ‘Ah, Reb Hersh, the tinsmith! The lame man with a hunchback and a crooked nose and thick lips and a missing eye and another eye that runs … of course I know him. He lives just opposite in that house – a lovely man.’

Veranda

A Jew once left his shtetl to do business in a neighbouring town. When he arrived, he learned that a Jew from his own shtetl was now living there. He had become very rich and was living like a Baron. He soon found out where he lived and paid him a visit. ‘Good morning, Reb Hersh. How is it going with you?’ ‘What are you talking about Reb Hersh? I am called Grigori Alekzandrovich’ ‘Ah, then how are you going Grigor Alekzandrovich?’ ‘Thank you for asking. I feel healthy and my businesses are going well. In the morning, I get up, drink a glass of tea, and lie on veranda. Later, when mail arrives, I go into my study, my daughter Regina brings me letters, I read them, I answer them and then I lie on veranda. By 11:00, I have something to eat, I drink good coffee, and I lie down again on veranda. About four o’clock I go for a little walk and then I come home, and I lie a bit on veranda. In the evening, after dinner, I again lie on veranda. And so, I live, and everything is good.’ The Jew returned to his shtetl and was asked how the trip went. ‘Well, I paid a visit to Reb Hersh, and I tell you he is very rich and may the evil eye keep away from him. But he has converted and become a goy. He doesn’t call himself Hersh anymore but Grigor Alekzandrovich. His daughter Rochel is now called Regina, and his wife Leah now goes by the name of Veranda.’

Rothschild’s tomb

A Jew arrives in Paris. His friend thinks he would be interested in seeing the famous Jewish cemetery. There they come across the tombstone of Baron Rothschild. It’s huge. The Jew keeps looking at the tombstone and eventually exclaims, ‘Yossel, now that is what I call living.’

Talked over

Two Jews met in the street. One asked the other, ‘And how are things going?’ ‘Well …’ ‘And the business?’ ‘Mumm …’ ‘Ah … the wife?’ ‘Well, ah … mmm …’ ‘And the children?’ ‘What do I know …’ ‘And your mother-in-law.’ ‘I… mmm …’ ‘A good day to you.’ ‘And to you too. Do you know, when you talk things over, it is like removing a weight off one’s chest.’

A veritable balaboste

Two Jewish travellers book themselves into an inn. They enter the dining room to get something to eat. ‘Can we order a couple of eggs?’ ‘I’m afraid we have run out of eggs.’ ‘Any fish?’ ‘Just served the last piece’. ‘What about chicken?’ ‘Oy, what shall I do, we have run out of that as well.’ Frustrated that this is not available and that is not available, they decide to move on. Suddenly, they hear a shout and observe the balaboste running to them as if pursued by a mouse. They wait. Breathless, she blurts out, ‘I hope you won’t have faribel, but I forgot to mention that we haven’t got radishes with chicken fat either.’

The Plotnik curse

At a charity dinner, it was impossible not to notice the huge diamond brooch worn by Mrs Plotnik, the wife of the arrogant millionaire, Samuel Plotnik. ‘What a beautiful diamond!’ sighed the women at her table. ‘Beautiful it may be but ….’ ‘What’s but?’ ‘It comes with the Plotnik curse!’ ‘The Plotnik curse?’ they exclaim in unison. ‘Yes, my husband.’

Rock-hard

Mrs Bornstein charged into the deli yelling, ‘You call these matzas They’re rock hard; you would need a sledgehammer to break them!’ ‘Hold on,’ burst out Mr Kaplinksy, the owner. ‘If the children of Israel had matzas like these at Mt Sinai, they would have been thankful.’ ‘I agree. When they were at Mt Sinai, these matzas were fresh!’ *

A philosophical tailor

Mr Silverstein charges into the little shop of the shtetl’s tailor. ‘Nu, is my suit ready?’ ‘Not quite. Perhaps another week or two.’ ‘What do you mean – another week or two? God created the whole world in only six days.’ ‘Yes and look at the condition of the world.’

A new angle on anti-Semitism

Benny and Morris, very old friends, meet every afternoon in a café where they enjoy tea with lemon, gossip a little, and read the newspapers. Benny reads a Jewish paper whereas Morris peruses an anti-Semitic rag. ‘Why do you always read this vicious anti-Semitic rubbish?’ asks Benny. “For health reasons. As you know, I used to read the Jewish Chronicle. What did I find? Synagogues firebombed, Jewish cemeteries desecrated, Jewish children threatened on the way to school, a pogrom here, a pogrom there.. I was getting sick and depressed. In this anti-Semitic paper I read that the world’s money markets are governed by Jews. All the banks belong to the Jews. The medical, the legal profession – Jewish run. I tell you, Benny, it’s a mechaye to read such news; it makes me feel top of the world.’ God, I know we are your chosen people, but could you not select another group for a change (Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof)

Preserving health

‘My wife needs your help doctor!’ pleads Mr Berkowitz. ‘What’s the matter?’ ‘She has developed the most terrible inferiority complex.’ ‘How can I help you?’ ‘How do I keep her that way?’

A friend to all

Irvin Goldberg brags to his boss every day, ‘I know everyone there is to know. Just name somebody, and I will know them.’ Tired of his boasting, Ivan Levin decides to call his bluff, ‘OK, Goldberg, how about the Chief Rabbi of Israel?’ ‘The Rabbi and I are old friends, and I can prove it.’ Goldberg puts through a call to the Chief Rabbi's office in Jerusalem. A moment later, Levin hears the Rabbi's voice, ‘Irvin. How good to hear from you!’ Although impressed, Levin remains sceptical, ‘That was luck.’ ‘No, it was not. Give me another name,’ Goldberg boasts, ‘and I'll show you about luck’. ‘The President of the United State.’ ‘I know him too; let’s call the White House.’ ‘Irvin, what a surprise,’ they hear the President exclaim, ‘and how are you?’ This shakes up Levin, but he is still not totally convinced and expresses his doubts. Goldberg implores him to name someone else. ‘The Pope,’ Levin replies, confident that he has outwitted Goldberg on this occasion. ‘I've known the Pope a long time.’ This time Levin insists they travel to Rome to conduct the test. They soon arrive in the eternal city and rush to join the throng in St Peter's Square.Goldberg shares a concern, ‘This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye standing here among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me go and join the Pope on the balcony.’ He disappears into the crowd, heads toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later, he emerges onto the balcony with the Pope. When Goldberg returns to the square, he discovers to his horror that Levin has suffered a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his side, Goldberg asks him, ‘What happened?’ Levin responds wearily, ‘I was feeling fine until you and the Pope came on to the balcony. Then, this Japanese family beside me asks in unison, ‘Who's that on the balcony with Goldberg?’

Jewish optimism

Three old Jews gather regularly to schmooze, mostly about the tragedies that have befallen their people. One day, one of them suddenly proclaims to his incredulous friends, ‘You know, deep down, I’m an optimist!’ ‘Hey, not so fast,’ retorts the friends, ‘if you are such an optimist, why such a worried look?’ ‘You think it is so easy to be Jewish and an optimist?’ Pessimism is a luxury a Jew can never allow himself (Golda Meir)

Pessimism is a luxury a Jew can never allow himself (Golda Meir)

Jewish caring

A distressed patient shares a horrible dream with his Jewish psychiatrist, “My mother came into my bedroom, and I turned to greet her; she had your exact face. I was terrified. I lay there trembling until morning. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and rushed to your office to keep my appointment. Dr Benjamin, I beg of you, please interpret this awful dream.” The wise psychiatrist is immersed in thought. Minutes tick by. He then responds, ‘A Coke? You call that a breakfast?’ Your health comes first; you can always hang yourself later (Yiddish proverb)

Your health comes first; you can always hang yourself later (Yiddish proverb)

Insight retained

Mrs Freiberg calls Dr Fish, the celebrated psychiatrist, ‘I think I have a problem, and I need to see you. But first tell me, what is your fee.’ ‘150 dollars a session.’ ‘What? 150 dollars! That meshuga I’m not.’

Jewish amnesia

What distinguishes the Jewish form of Alzheimer’s Dementia from other forms? You forget everything except the guilt.

The brilliant Jews of Vilna

On returning from a visit to Vilna, a Jew reports enthusiastically to his family that, ‘The Jews of Vilna are quite remarkable. I met one who studies the Bible all day long. I saw one scheming all day how to get rich. I met a Jew who kept waving the Red Flag and calling for a Revolution. I encountered a Jew chasing every woman in Vilna.’ The family asks, ‘Why are you so astonished? After all Vilna is a big city.’ ‘But it was all the same Jew.’

A fine match

A shadchan is trying to persuade a “customer” of a particular woman’s virtues. ‘Have I got a girl for you! She may be a little plain but comes from a wealthy family!’ The young man is curious, ‘Tell me more.’ ‘Well, I should be honest and reveal that she is a little on the short side, blind in one eye, and wears dentures.’ Thinking of the riches he will inherit, he decides to marry her. As part of the dowry, he receives a most generous cheque. Very pleased with himself, he rushes to the bank only to discover that the cheque has bounced. He stomps off to the shadchan in a rage, ‘You told me she comes from a wealthy family! How do you explain this bounced cheque?’ The shadchan sheepishly replies, ‘Ok, so I got one detail wrong.’ Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution (Groucho Marx)

A shadchan always comes up with a remedy

A rather timid young man consults a shadchan. He desperately needs help. Every time he meets a woman, he can’t think of anything to say and begins to stammer. With her vast experience, she reassures him that this does not pose a problem, ‘I’ll prepare cards on which are written topics of conversation. Simply refer to the cards when you meet the girl.’ She selects a most eligible match and arranges for him to have dinner with her and her family. The first course is naturally chicken soup. Already feeling a little uneasy, he glances at the first card, ‘Show that you’re interested in the girl.’ Whereupon he asks, ‘Do you like chicken soup?’ She responds curtly, ‘Yuh.’ A few minutes later, feeling just as awkward, he turns to the second card which instructs him to show an interest in the family, ‘What about your brother - does he like chicken soup?’ ‘I don’t have a brother,’ she replies. By now he is feeling awfully tense and looks at his last card, ‘Show that you are interested in philosophical ideas.’ He blurts out, ‘If you had had a brother, do you think he would have liked chicken soup?’

A clinical encounter

Mr Goldberg, an elderly Jew, consults his family doctor. ‘Doctor, my bowels are blocked up, my feet ache, my hands shake, my heart jumps and Doctor, you know I myself don’t feel so well either.’

An agreement is an agreement

Yossel sells herrings from a little stall in front of a bank. His good friend Asher, approaches the stall, ‘Yossel, can you please lend me 15 rubles; I need the money urgently.’ ‘I can’t even lend you one kopeck – under no circumstances.’ ‘But why not? After all we have known each other for years!’ ‘I’m sorry, I just can’t. The bank and I have an agreement; they don’t sell herrings, and I don’t advance any loans.’

So, you thought the Japanese invented haiku

No fins, no flippers,the kosher fish swimswith difficulty. In the ice sculpturereflected bar mitzva gueststasting the chopped liver. Is a Nobel Prizetoo much to ask from a childafter all I've done for him?Looking for budsto prune, the mohel tends to his flower garden. Scrabble anarchyafter Zaida is placed ona triple word score. Testing the warm milkon her wrist, she beams – just right, even though my son has just turned forty. A lovely nose ring -excuse me while I put myhead in the oven. After the warm rain,the sweet scent of camellias.Did you wipe your feet? Jewish triathlon?rummy, contract bridge,and then a nap. The shiva visit. Condolences on your loss-- Now back to my own problems. Denmark's Jewish prince- ‘To be or not to be- Oy! Have I got tsoris (trouble).

Confessions

Four Jewish women are playing bridge when one announces, ‘You know girls, I have known you all a long time. There is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don't worry, I have never stolen from you, and I never will; we have been friends for too long.’ One of the other women then reveals, ‘Well, since we are making confessions, … I am a nymphomaniac but don't worry. I have not seduced your husbands; they don't interest me and never will. We have been friends for too long.’ ‘Well,’ follows the third woman, ‘I must also confess something. The reason that I never married is that I'm a lesbian. But don't worry, none of you are my type. We have been friends for too long.’ The fourth woman announces, ‘I have a confession as well. I’m a yenta. Now, please excuse me, I have several phone calls to make.’

A typical Jewish telegram

Start worrying. Details to follow.

No escape

A cruise ship sinks, and three men make it to an uninhabited island. The first, a devout Christian, rips two branches from a palm tree, creates a cross, and prays to the Lord to save him. The second, an observant Muslim, pulls several fronds from the tree in order to make a mat, kneels facing Mecca, and prays to Allah to save him. The third survivor, a Jew, promptly falls asleep under the tree. The Christian and Muslim are puzzled that he can keep so calm, and not pray for salvation. His reply, ‘Last year I pledged $100,000 to the United Jewish Care Appeal. They always find me.’

A matter of insight

A poor Jewish tailor begins to wear spectacles, but without lenses in them. When a curious customer asks why, he answers, ‘A frame is better than nothing.’

Truth is truth

A famous professor at the University of St. Petersburg is asked by a childhood friend, ‘How come did you, an exceptional scholar, convert to Christianity?’ The professor replies, ‘As a scholar I have always yearned for the truth. And I became a Christian because of one absolute truth.’ ‘And what is this truth?’ asks the bewildered friend. ‘It is an undeniable truth that to be a professor at the University of St Petersburg is better than to teach noisy Jewish children to memorise the Hebrew alphabet.’

A problem of timing

Leo, Avram, and Label are sitting in the lounge of the King David Jewish Home for the Elderly lamenting their physical deterioration. Today, they are upset about their toiletry. Leo starts, ‘I can’t pish. When I go to the toilet it comes out drip, drip, drip; I used to be like a fire hose.’ Avram contributes, ‘For me pishing is fine. I just can’t pass a motion. When I go to the toilet, out comes a pebble that wouldn’t even satisfy a squirrel.’ Label chimes in, ‘For me pishing and passing a motion are both okay. Seven o’clock in the morning I use my bladder. One hour later, I use my bowels.’ ‘That’s wonderful,’ his friends respond in unison, ‘so what’s the problem?’ ‘I don’t get up till nine!’ To me old age is always fifteen years older than I am (Bernard Baruch)

A shidach

He: Are you dancing? She: Are you asking? He: I’m asking. She: I’m dancing.

Comparisons are odious

Two Jewish mothers meet for coffee. ‘Well, Ruttie, how are the kids?’ ‘To tell you the truth, I’m sorry to say that Rafi has married a slut! She doesn’t get up until 11, she’s out all day spending his money on God knows what and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Not on your life! She makes him take her out to dinner, always in expensive restaurants’ ‘And what about Esther, your lovely daughter?’ ‘Ah! Esther. Now she is blessed. She has married a saint. Max serves her breakfast in bed, gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and takes her out for a tasty dinner in the evening.

Enough Jewish jokes

Aaron Cohen, an inveterate joke teller, stifles a laugh, ‘Listen to this. One day, Moskowitz and Finkelstein are on a train…’ At this, his friend Ben Segal exclaims, ‘Moskowitz and Finkelstein; Moskowitz and Finkelstein; always jokes about Jews. Why always Jewish? Can’t you tell a joke about other people. Make them Chinese for a change?’ Taken aback and embarrassed, Aaron ponders for a moment, ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. Let me tell you a new one. Hong-lee Yang and Mao-Chen Foo bump into each other after a long interval. ‘Mazal tov Mao-Chen Foo --I heard you were elected President of the shul last week ….’

Enforced sex

Louis comes home after a busy day at the office, walks into the bedroom, and finds his wife in bed with his very best friend. He sidles up to the bed and whispers, ‘Joe, I have to, but you?’

Making a catch

Sophie and Esther, two elderly Jewish widows, are living in a retirement home. They are intensely curious about a new arrival - a pleasant looking gentleman who seems to keep to himself. ‘Esther, you know I’m shy… Why don’t you go over and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.’ Esther agrees and later that day approaches him, ‘I hope I’m not prying but my friend Sophie and I were wondering why you look so pale.’ ‘Why pale? Wouldn’t you be if you had spent the last 20 years in prison.’ ‘For goodness sake, what for?’ asks Esther incredulously. ‘Strangling my third wife.’ ‘What happened to your second wife?’ ‘I shot her.’ ‘And, if I may ask, your first wife?’ ‘We had a fight, and she fell through a window and was killed.’ ‘O my God,’ exclaims Esther and then whispers to her friend, ‘Good news Sophie. He’s single.’ Row, row, row your boat… King David High School decided to establish a rowing team. Sadly, they lost every race. Even after practising day after day, they still failed dismally. The embarrassed Principal finally decided to send Jacob to spy on the Riverside High School team. Hidden in the bushes he carefully observed the Riverside boys as they went through their paces. Jacob then rushed back to the principal, ‘I’ve discovered the secret. Eight boys doing the rowing and only one the shouting.’

Elementary my dear Kovacs

After much negotiation with the authorities, Binyamin Fleischer, a Jewish scholar from Odessa, was granted permission to travel to Moscow to attend a conference. He boarded the train much relieved and contented. At the next station a young man clambered onto the same train and sat next to him. Mr Fleischer glanced at the new passenger and wondered. He doesn’t look like a peasant. If he isn’t a peasant he probably comes from this region. If he comes from near here, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish region. If he is a Jew, where could he be going? I’m the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Wait, just outside Moscow there is a village called Samvet, and you don’t need permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He’s probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there. But only two Jewish families live in the town. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs. Now the Steinberg family only have daughters, so perhaps he’s a son-in-law. If so, to which daughter is he married? Gita married a lawyer from Budapest and Estie is engaged to a struggling businessman from Zhitomir. He must therefore be Gita’s husband. Which means, if I’m not mistake, that his name is Alexander Cohen. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism there, he must have changed his name. What’s the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name, he must have special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University? At this point the scholar turns to the young man, ‘How do you do, Dr Kovacs?’ ‘Well thank you,’ answers the startled passenger, but how do you know my name?’ ‘Elementary-- through a combination of instinct, intuition and insight.’

Tears in the cemetery

Mr Feinstein has just visited his wife’s grave when he notices a fellow Jew crying bitterly over a tombstone, ‘Why did you die? Why did you die?’ He then spots the name on the stone –it’s that of a man. ‘You must have been a close friend?’ ‘I wasn’t close at all.’ ‘Then you must think he was a wonderful person.’ ‘I have no idea.’ By now Mr Feinstein is totally bewildered, ‘Then why are you so distressed?’ ‘He was my wife’s first husband.’

The key question

For three years a Jew places 20 kopecks every day in the tin of a bagel seller in the market square. One day, the Jew speaks to her for the first time, ‘I suppose you have wanted to know why I have placed 20 kopecks in your tin every day without taking a bagel.’ The vendor replies, ‘No, no – what I have wanted to know is whether you knew the price of a bagel went up to 30 kopecks a year ago?’

An intense conversation

Four Jewish middle-aged men sit gloomily in a café, sipping their tea. First man, ‘Oy …’ Second man, ‘Oy vey …’ Third man, ‘Vey iz mir.’ Fourth man, ‘If you men don’t stop talking about your stocks and shares, I’m leaving.’

Carpe diem

A shadchan escorts a potential suitor to the family of the woman she has picked out for him. After they have had a sumptuous dinner and left the house, the shadchan berates the young man, ‘I thought I told you not to fress.’ ‘What difference does it make, I didn’t like the girl anyway.’

Comparisons can be confusing

Shimon and Chaim, two Chevra Kadisha employees, are preparing a corpse for burial. ‘Look at that penis – it’s at least a foot long,’ yells Shimon. ‘That’s nothing,’ Chaim replies, ‘mine is the same.’ ‘You mean as long?’ ‘No, as dead!’

A matter of aesthetics

‘What! You want me to marry her? She looks awful,’ the young man complains to the shadchan. ‘How could I spend my life with a woman who looks like that?’ ‘Look,’ replies the shadchan, ‘either you like Picasso or you don’t.’

It’s all relative

Mrs Kaplinsky and Mrs Koppel have just met and are relaxing in the lounge of the hotel when a young man walks by. ‘Oy!’ exclaimed Mrs Kaplinsky, ‘Look at that boy! Did you ever see such a big nose?’ Mrs Koppel replies in a stern voice, ‘It so happens you are talking about my son!’ ‘Well,’ said Mrs Kaplinksy, ‘actually on him it’s quite becoming.’

A shared problem

A Jewish woman studying art history is planning to visit Rome to see great paintings. Since there is no one to care for her elderly grandmother, they decide to travel together. At the Sistine Chapel, she points out the painting on the ceiling. ‘Bobba, it took Michelangelo four years to paint this ceiling.’ ‘Is that right? He and I must have the same landlord.’

Completing the deed

Rivka Greenberg was in her backyard, hanging up the washing when her yenta of a neighbour clamoured over the fence, ‘I’m sorry to tell you Rivka, but I have just heard a rumour that your husband is chasing a shiksa. And at his age!’ ‘OK, so he’s 80,’ sighed Rivka ‘for all I care, he can chase women. After all dogs chase cars, but when they catch one, can they drive it?’

Wise even in illness

Dovid and Berl, both afflicted with severe sciatica, are sharing a ward. They are receiving the same treatment, including a daily massage. Whereas Dovid cries out with pain during his massage, Berl remains entirely calm. After a week of torment, Dovid cannot contain his curiosity, ‘How do you cope so well with the massage treatment?’ ‘How do I cope? You think I’m such an idiot to let them massage my sciatic leg?’

Knowing one’s position

‘Hello, is this the Saperstein residence?’ ‘Aha. With whom do you wish to speak?’ ‘Is Mr Saperstein there?’ ‘This time of the day? Mr Saperstein is in the business.’ ‘Is Thelma at home?’ ‘In school is Thelma.’ ‘Then how about Harry? Can I speak to him?’ ‘Harry? In college. He should be doctor soon.’ ‘I see. Is that Mrs Saperstein?’ ‘Mrs Saperstein shopping in the supermarket.’ ‘Well, who is this?’ ‘This is Daisy, the shiksa.’

A mixed salutation

Shmulik Katz arrives at the Chevra Kadisha with a heavy heart, ‘I have come to bury my late wife.’ ‘But Mr Katz,’ blurts out the official, ‘we buried your wife only a year ago!’ ‘I know,’ sighed Mr Katz, ‘that was my first wife. I remarried.’ ‘Mazal tov. I had no idea you have had a family simcha.’

For dying, you always have time (Sally Singer)

A modest bar mitzva

A bar mitzva is being held in a luxurious reception venue. The hall is decorated lavishly. The smorgasbord is overflowing with luscious delicacies. Statues of ice, spewing forth punch, are placed at both ends of the table. Mr and Mrs Appelbaum, two guests, arrive a little late. They survey the scene and are annoyed by the gross ostentatiousness. It bothers them to see so much money squandered on so worthless a cause. As they approach one of the three bars for a drink, Sarah Minchin, the hostess greets them effusively, ‘Isn’t this a beautiful affair?’ Pointing to a life-sized sculpture of the boy made of chopped liver, she asks, ‘What do you think of this gorgeous statue of my Benjy?’ This is too much for Harry Appelbaum. In a voice dripping with sarcasm, he mutters, ‘I’ve never seen its equal. Who did it? Jacques Lipshitz or Jacob Epstein?’ ‘Lipshitz, of course!’ boasts the mother, ‘Epstein only works with chopped herring.’

Useful advice

Two widows, Becky and Leah, are chatting about their social life. ‘That nice Mr Edelman has invited me to the theatre. I know you went out with him last week. What do you think? Should I go?’ asks Becky. ‘It’s up to you but let me tell you about my experience. He arrived punctually, dressed like a bridegroom – fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers. He takes me downstairs and what’s waiting but a limousine with a chauffeur. Then he takes me out to dinner … marvellous brisket—followed by a show.’ We come back to my apartment and, would you believe, he turns into a wild animal. Completely meshuga. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.’ ‘Oy vey, Becky, are you telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?’ ‘No, I’m just saying – wear an old dress.’